


Light and Dark

by moripartylove



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Depression, Early 1970s, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Melancholy, Mental Health Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, brian is struggling with depression and confides in freddie, freddie is sweet and caring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 21:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17815553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moripartylove/pseuds/moripartylove
Summary: “You know, we should actually have the colours reversed,” he mused.Freddie seemed confused.“What do you mean?”Then he followed Brian’s look and inspected his nails before shooting Brian a questioning glance. Brian hesitated, but maybe this was the best way to explain his feelings.*********************Brian is struggling with episodes of depression and reluctantly confides in Freddie.





	Light and Dark

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little exploration of the frian friendship in the early days, inspired by Brian's admission of struggling with episodes of depression. All of it is fiction and written purely for fun (and to expel some of my own demons). 
> 
> Since this story takes place in the early 1970s, I assume they don't have the same awareness of mental health that we do today. Please note I don't mean to trivialize clinical depression, and if you struggle with it please seek help!
> 
> Okay, enough introduction... Hope you enjoy! :)

The voices of Brian’s arguing bandmates blurred into a distant haze as he was staring into space. He vaguely registered Roger throwing a tantrum about the tempo of the song – too slow, of course – but while he normally would have interjected his opinion and defended it to the death, today he just didn’t care enough to even listen.

He had been in one of those moods for a few days now, and he was sure the others must have noticed, even though no one had said anything. He hated himself when he was like this. His life was good; his PhD was coming along well, he played in a band with his best friends and they had finally found a bass player a couple of months ago. They were fucking great together and Brian felt that they were going places. He should be happy. But every so often the world suddenly went dark on him. It was no use reasoning with himself, his brain never won against his useless sad heart.

Sometimes it was bad – everything hurt and he wanted to die. The smallest tasks, like making himself a sandwich or even getting out of bed in the morning, seemed to demand more energy than he could find in his body. He had not yet had an episode of that kind since joining the band, and he dreaded it constantly, because surely the others would replace him when they found out how useless he could be. The thought inflicted a dull pain on Brian’s heart, so he quickly shook it off.

But most of the time, it was milder than that: He functioned, even though barely sometimes. He went through the motions of rehearsal, attended his classes, did what was expected of him, but he felt either hollow or full of pain and sadness, and he really was only keeping up a facade while he waited for the feeling to pass and for light and lightness to return.

 

“Okay darlings, let’s have a break and try again later, alright?”

Freddie sounded slightly exasperated, and Roger growled something that Brian didn’t catch as he abandoned his drum kit and ambled towards the tea kitchen, fiddling with a pack of smokes. Deaky put his bass guitar down and followed close behind. Brian merely sat down on one of the plastic chairs, hugging his Red Special absentmindedly. He wasn’t hungry. He didn’t want to talk and he didn’t need a break at all. But neither did he want to keep playing. He just didn’t care. He’d just sit here and think and wait until the others returned.

But apparently Freddie wasn’t having any of that.

“Why don’t you come and go for a little walk with me. I could use some fresh air, dear.”

Brian frowned and kept his gaze fixed to the ground. He didn’t feel like going outside.

“Not today, Fred. Another time, okay?”

Freddie’s hand gently touched his shoulder.

“Come on, please come with me. Just for a few minutes. You know I hate being alone, I’d really love your company.”

Brian smiled despite himself. He was fully aware that Freddie just said this because it was the most effective way to get him to come along, and he did it for Brian’s benefit, not his own. It worked, too.

“Alright alright, just for a few minutes.”

He looked up and saw his friend beam at him.

“Of course, we’ll be back in no time at all. Thank you, darling.”

 

A few minutes later they turned into the little park that was situated just around the corner from their rehearsal room. It was still February, but spring had made an early appearance this year, and the sun felt almost warm. Birdsong filled the air and replaced the fragments of a song that had been going around Brian’s head in an annoying endless loop. Brian took a deep breath. The air smelled of spring. He always loved that moment, the first catch of that particular perfume that announced that winter was finally coming to an end. This year, he didn’t experience joy in his heart nearly the same way he usually did, but even the shadow of it felt a little bit better than sitting alone in a sticky rehearsal room. He was already glad that Freddie had dragged him outside.

“Darling, what’s on your mind?”

Freddie’s voice sounded warm and compassionate. Brian felt his concerned eyes scanning his face and kept staring at the ground.

“Nothing.”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw his friend frown.

“You know that you can talk to me, dear. About anything. Right?”

Brian let out a deep sigh. If only it was that easy.

“I know, Fred. And I appreciate it, I really do.”

He dug his hands deeper into his pockets as he contemplated his next words.

“But the thing is... There’s nothing to tell. There’s nothing wrong. That’s what makes it so weird. Everything is good in my life, and still, I just feel...”

Brian bit his lower lip, leaving the half sentence in the space between them. How could he even explain how he felt? It made no sense even to himself. There was no way anyone else could understand. And certainly not Freddie, who was always so cheerful and didn’t seem to have a care in the world, enjoying every moment to the fullest. Brian often wished he could be more like him.

They sat down on a wooden bench under a still bare chestnut tree. Brian’s gaze fell on the nail varnish on their hands: the white one on his own and the black one on Freddie’s.

“You know, we should actually have the colours reversed,” he mused.

Freddie seemed confused.

“What do you mean?”

Then he followed Brian’s look and inspected his nails before shooting Brian a questioning glance. Brian hesitated, but maybe this was the best way to explain his feelings.

“You said you’d be the dark side and I’d be the bright side... But actually, you’re the light of this band, Fred. You’re always optimistic and energetic, you always see the good side of things. You’re the one who’s always cheering us up when someone feels down and you’re always resolving the conflicts in the band. I have no idea what made you think that you should be the dark side. I on the other hand...”

He trailed off and averted his eyes to the ground once again. Freddie simply listened in silence, waiting for him to continue.

“I have so much blackness in me, Fred. Sometimes the whole world seems to go dark for no reason. Like... Like someone flicked a switch inside me, or something. I can’t really explain it.”

He was mumbling to himself more than anything, and he almost hoped that Freddie hadn’t heard him. He cringed at the silly metaphor he’d just used.

He almost expected Freddie to laugh at him. But instead he felt a warm and comforting hand on his own.

“All the more reason you should be the white side, dear. You need the light more than I do.”

A timid smile passed between them.

“And besides, you may not see it yourself, but I see so much brightness in your personality, darling. You have so much love in you. You care about every living creature. You’re the gentlest person I have ever met and sometimes I wish I could be more like you. I don’t have it in me to be a vegetarian, to begin with, but you do.”

They sat in silence for a while and Brian let Freddie’s words sink in. He had no idea that Freddie perceived him this way. He usually thought of himself as the endless worrier, overcomplicating everything and being a strain on everyone around him. Hearing what his friend saw in him and how he valued him made the black veil on his soul lift a tiny bit. The sadness still sat in his chest, but it felt a little lighter.

He lifted his head and tilted his face towards the sun. Somewhere in the park, someone was picking on an acoustic guitar. A squirrel shot across the path in front of them. Brian managed to find a tiny shred of joy in each of these things. Yes, the dreariness would pass, like it always did. He just had to cling to the light.

Freddie smiled at him, and it shone into his heart warmer than the first rays of spring.

“Let’s go back to the others, dear. Rehearsal is waiting.”

The End 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated :) Also, I didn't bother to edit this (and I'm not a native speaker), so if you find any mistakes please let me know and I'll correct them.


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